THE PIT OF DEATH

THE PIT OF DEATH

I recently had to delve into one of the nine levels of hell.  I was enjoying a lovely stay at my in-laws cabin when the first sign of trouble started. The shitter wouldn’t flush. Next- the bathtub and kitchen sink wouldn’t drain and began to fill up. My father in law worked hard to try and snake out the toilet and sink, bailing out sewage by the bucketful – but to no avail – it was plugged up good. After some discussion it was agreed that the plug must be on the other end – “the septic tank”. We went outside and removed the giant stone plug covering the tank. Immediately we were hit with a smack in the face stench. I volunteered to go down the ladder and try to see if I could locate the exit hole into the pit. I put on some rubber boots – grabbed a flashlight – took a deep breath, and took a few steps down the ladder. As I descended the fog hit me. Unlike “London fog “this one was a fog of shit vapour. It was hard to see in the foggy darkness – even with my flashlight. I looked around quickly but could not find any kind of hole anywhere. The ceiling was low so I took another step down the ladder. (On a side note – I was told the lever of sewage was about a foot deep). Turns out it was knee deep. I still could not see an opening- and for my efforts received a mini booter. I had to get out. Coming out I gagged a little and almost lost my lunch – it was nasty. It was a sea of brown goo down there. After I emptied out my booter we discussed the problem. There had to be a hole down there but I could not see it. Since I had been down there already I volunteered to go down a second time. This time I was going down a little more prepared. I found a paper hazmat suit in the garage.  I put garbage bags on my feet and taped them around my knees. I put my boots back on and put another set of garbage bags over my boots. I found a pair of rubber gloves. I stuffed my nose with toilet paper. Put on a surgical mask and hat. I thought it would be a good idea to spray my mask with some perfume to counteract the stench. I asked my sister to get her perfume. She came back and attempted to spray my mask. Apparently she has bad aim and I got maced right in the eyes. After I could see again I gave her a second chance and she hit my mask this time. I went down into the hole feeling more protected. When I was fully in the level of sewage it was just up to my knees. I could now see the ceiling of the tank. It was covered with stalactite semi-solid shit drippings. I worked my way around a pole to the back of the tank where I found the exit hole in the ceiling. It was clear – no sign of a plug. (Side note) The perfume mask and nose plugs did nothing – the smell was overpowering. I was passed coat hangers, tubes, poles to stick into the hole in an attempt to reach the blockage.  No dice. I gave up and climbed out of the pit. It was time to call the plumber. The plumber came and brought in his industrial electric snake. It took a while but he finally got the snake through the plug and into the pit.

Houston we have a problem.

The snake is stuck. The plumber had snaked out so much length it had gotten twisted and tangled in itself and it was stuck in the pit – he could not retract it . He say’s “I will have to charge you an extra $100 bucks because now I have to go down into the pit to untangle the snake”. This guy could barely keep from tossing his cookies in the bathroom from the stink. How did he think he was going to descend into the pit? I decided to save my family some money and once again don the shitman suit. This time it was personal. I found the nearest phone booth and suited up. When I got back down the hole I could see about 25 -30 feet of snake wrapped around itself in a big knot. I grabbed hold and started to untie the knot. Every time I would untangle a section it would uncoil and splash in the sludge spraying me. I thought that having the giant lid off the hole would air it out somewhat. I was wrong – the smell was stronger than ever. For some strange reason I tried to imagine I was smelling KFC gravy. Even stranger – it worked. For a while I was in a dream world of fries and gravy – until I got splashed in the face with shit – thus slapping me back to reality. I finally got it untangled – he turned on his machine and the snake went back up the hole and cleared the blockage. Sewage started to flow out. I got the hell out of there. I climbed out of the pit victorious - just like “ASH” in “ARMY OF DARKNESS”. I had defeated the pit witch and lived to fight another day.