THE TURKEY BASTER

Me and my buddies "Dale + Hugh" always got together at each other houses to watch movies, play video games, usual guy stuff. No matter who's house we were at there was one simple rule
DON'T FALL ASLEEP
If you fell asleep you were subjected to what we called "THE TURKEY BASTER".
It took some time to evolve this punishment. We started off just jamming a bottle of Tabasco sauce in the sleepers mouth and administering the dose that way. Sometimes a spoon was used. Both methods were messy and not very efficient if the sleepers mouth was closed. Although one night a near fatal dose of cherry cod liver oil was given to Dale with a simple gravy spoon.
I don't remember who's idea it was but the turkey baster was simple genius. The large reservoir could hold an extra large dose and the needle tip could be jammed into the sleepers mouth with minimal damage to the teeth. The first victim was our friend Dean. He didn't come over to often and did not know about our rule. Needless to say Dean fell asleep. We quickly ran to the kitchen and got the dose ready.
Soy sauce - Tabasco - Vinegar - and a pinch of salt.
The turkey baster was filled and ready for action. The victim was approached with caution as to not wake up. The baster was quickly inserted halfway down Dean's throat and squeezed.
Then " THE RUDE AWAKENING" - a slap across the face. Dean awoke immediately confused, coughing and choking,mouth burning, stomach churning. He ran to the bathroom and threw up. Mission accomplished.
Surprisingly Dean never came over again to watch movies.
I myself was a victim only once with a dose of Tabasco. Once on a trip again to Grand forks the three of us all stayed awake for 3 days for fear of the"turkey baster"(which was brought along) or "the rude awakening".
By the third day we were delirious. I remember watching a four hour special about beavers at 3:00 in the morning laughing our heads off. I laughed so hard I threw up my prized mushroom and Swiss burger from Hardees. Meanwhile Dale and Hugh were making gaging and throw-up sounds making me laugh even harder.   Those were the days.


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"MR. HAPPY"

A FISTFUL OF STEAK

The year 1988 - The place "the Kelly Inn"  Grand Forks
This was another trip I will never forget with "DALE + HUGH"
There was another double team plot in the making. This one again had Hugh as the victim. Our plan hatched early. Dale and myself took a side trip to Piggly Wiggley while Hugh was at "western outfitters". We went straight for the meat section hoping to find something disgusting like a cows tongue or sheep stomach, or even a liver. No such luck- we had to settle for an oversize sirloin steak for $12. We picked up Hugh at the mall and drove back to the hotel.  Then we waited.
2:00 am - Hugh finally settles in for bed.
3:00 am - After an hour passes and we are sure he is asleep we spring into action.
I grab the steak from underneath the bed and grip it in my right fist. I half straddle Hugh's bed- raise my fist and bring it down hard across Hugh's left cheek.
Timed perfectly  Dale shouts "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HP SAUCE WITH THAT"
I quickly jump back into bed as if nothing happened. Hugh still half asleep says "WHAT THE FUCK"
I respond "WAS THAT WELL DONE ENOUGH FOR YA"
Hugh grumbles something we cant understand. Dale says "I THINK YOU BROKE HIS JAW".
We crack jokes and laugh for the next 45 minutes. The next morning Hugh says that his right jaw hurts like hell. I tell him that I hit him on his left jaw. He continues to argue that I struck his right jaw because that's the side that hurts, hes insistent. It was years later I was reading a medical journal that said when the jaw experiences trauma to one side, the opposite side feels the pressure and pain. Mystery solved.
The following evening while the three of us were watching TV someone knocks at the door. I go to the door - open it and whoosh- a big bucket of water tips over in our room soaking the floor. Classic prank. I ran down the hall to catch the perpetrator's but no-one is in sight. This and other damage to the room that we wont go into at this time almost caused an international incident. Mr. Ron Gautier was not impressed.


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THE TURKEY BASTER

THE STEAK DINNER- FROM HELL

(names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty)

The year 1988.   The place – Bonanza (Grand forks)

My two friends “Dale + Hugh” and myself were on a weekend trip to good old Grand forks. It was decided that one evening we were going to go out for dinner and then to a local bar in town. I should start off by saying that me and my buddies went to the USA quite often together. Usually two of us would gang up on the other one, we took turns kinda like survivor- making alliances and usually breaking them. This time it was Hugh’s turn to be abused. He had gotten himself all dressed up cowboy style to go out for the night. We got to the restaurant sat down and placed our orders, Hugh ordering a big steak dinner.  Hugh got up from the table to use the washroom just as dinner was brought to the table. Seeing he wasn’t there to protect his meal we took this opportunity to remove his baked potato and bun off his plate, drop them on the floor and kick them around to each other. We salted up his steak as well as his drink for good measure. He came back from the washroom just as we were finishing up. He sat down and reached for the HP steak sauce. He then started to shake the bottle to mix up the sauce. He looked at us and said “what are you two idiots smiling about”. Just at that moment the cap from the bottle of Hp sauce popped off. This was not planned. Having not noticed that the cap had come off he continued to shake the bottle drenching himself in HP. We could do nothing but sit and watch as this seemed to happen in slow motion. By the time he caught on his white Roy Rodgers shirt was HP brown. As we were smiling before the cap came off he assumed we loosened it. He called us assholes and went back to the can to wash up. We were still laughing when he came back to the table and ate his steak dinner from hell without saying a word.  We had to drive all the way back to the hotel so he could change his clothes but it was worth it. He was asked numerous times that weekend “hey do you want some HP with that”

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A FISTFUL OF STEAK 

2 YEAR OLD ROCKING OUT TO HOTBLOODED THEN BUSTIN UP THE JOINT

MAN THIS COFFEE IS GOOD

Here is a story about what happens when you piss me off..   The year was 1988- I was working at a little place called Taco time.  on  There was a fellow employee there that nobody liked. He was beyond lazy and often blamed his mistakes on others. He was a greasy loser who was part car salesman, part know it all, all big mouth. His idiot best friend used to come visit him and harass us the whole shift. His hosebag girlfriend would come by at closing and they would disappear into the back office for a little of the you-know-what and leave me to clean up and close the store by myself..  I don't really remember what the final straw was but me and my buddy Wayne had had enough. We were all preparing to go on a break and Rusty ( big mouth ) made a pot of fresh coffee. While he was in the bathroom I got the old mop from the back ( which was the bathroom mop- it must have had a good mixture of piss-shit and bleach ) and cut a handful of mop strands off it. I then used the strands to steep his coffee. Next I took some of his own cigarette ashes and added them to the blend.  I then took and old stool and used the leg to stir his coffee.  He then came back from the bathroom sat down and took a sip. He then proclaimed " MAN THIS COFFEE IS GOOD".  
Later on that evening we also egged his car back to the stone age with 12 dozen eggs.  This was in the middle of winter by the way, so after half hour or so the eggs hardened into a cement like mixture.  Looking back it was a little immature but It felt good.