STUPID THINGS I REMEMBER FROM WHEN I WAS A KID

GRADE 5 – My best friend Steve was warned by the teacher (Mrs. Bonkowski) not to make any more fart noises with his armpit. Five minutes later gets caught again. His punishment – must stand on his desk in front of the whole class and fart with his armpit for a half hour.  He thought it was funny for the first few minutes- then he got tired and it soon became torture.

Steve again thought it was funny to stand on his desk and imitate same teacher (Mrs. Bonkowski) not knowing she was just entering the class. Punishment – A hard five across the lips. Mrs. Bonkowski didn’t fool around.  Was actually a super nice teacher but Steve got on her nerves.

Steve again. Grabbed the big stapler off Mrs. Bonkowski’s desk, put his thumb between the stapler and base and asked “ANYONE DARE ME TO DO IT”  -  Another kid in my class came up behind him and said “YA I DO” and slammed the stapler down on his thumb. The staple went right into his thumb nail all the way – the nurse had to take it out. OUCH.

Steve used to spray things with his mom’s hairspray and light it on fire, dolls, toys, anything – looked cool and if you dropped it in water right away the object didn’t burn just the hairspray on top.  He then got the bright idea to spray his arm with hairspray and light it on fire- which he did. It was cool to watch for sure, but it burned faster than he thought and went up his whole arm. Good thing I was on hand with the hose or he would have burned himself even worse.

Unfortunately for Steve - alcohol got the better off him at the young age of fourteen. He drowned passed out in two feet of water. Rest in peace buddy.  Kids stay away from the booze and drugs.

PEDESTRIAN POLICE IDIOT

I was driving downtown the other day on Portage Ave when this happened. Traffic came to a sudden stop and I found myself in the middle of a crossroads- blocking the one way street to my right. I have to get out of the way- so I crank it to the left so I can pull up ahead into the crosswalk to get out of the way of traffic. A pedestrian who has already walked past where my car is now and is in front of the car to my left- stops, gives me the stink eye and points to the walk sign flashing and waves his other arm down toward the crosswalk.  Instead of getting out of my car and beating him with my snowbrush like I wanted – I stick both my arms out waving them around- point at the sign and do the SPAZ face- mocking his reaction. He looks at me clearing getting more upset (which was my intent) takes a few steps and turns back to look at me again to stink eye me. I beat him to the punch and wave my arms around again even more like an idiot and do the Spaz face pointing to the sign. He throws his arm down in disgust and keeps on walking.  I inconvenienced him in no way. I had to get out of the way of traffic. If I blocked his way and he had to detour around- sure give me the stink eye-my bad. But when he was already past me- just mind your own business and keep on walking loser.

GOSSIP - THE AWFUL TRUTH

 Demi Moore and Ashton Kutchor break up. Whoop Dee doo- big surprise. You know what I hate- When a story leaks in one of the gossip magazines that so and so cheated on their wife and the marriage is on the outs – then the couple put on a big show and say rumours are false everything is fantastic. Claim the gossip magazine is lying- big uproar. Two weeks later we find out everything in the story is true and they are broken up. This stall tactic is just so they can do something for charity and good causes to make us forget what real assholes and dipshits these clowns really are. What I’ve learned is 99.9 percent of all these gossip stories turn out to be true- it just takes some time to get the truth out there. If you’re a big Hollywood star and you beat your wife, cheat, steal husbands, go on a rant about a minority, you name it- all you have to do is go to a poor country and play with a poor starving kid and you will be the best actor in the world and everyone will forget the heinous things you’ve done.

Good work Hollywood

TV NEWS AND REVIEWS

Good news- Dexter has been picked up for two more seasons.

TERRA NOVA – not a bad show, keeping my interest.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY – not sure who’s a ghost and who’s not, but keeping my interest.

GRIMM - not bad so far, will continue to watch.

THE WALKING DEAD –   a little slow this season but ok.

BONES   – slow so far, but will still watch.

SUPERNATURAL - always a good show.

MIKE AND MOLLY - great show very funny.

THE BIG BANG THEORY - strong as ever, great show.

MOVIE REVIEWS OF THE WEEK

HORRIBLE BOSSES

This movie was very funny. It was never boring and full of laughs. Most of the laughs came from the extremely crude sexual humour. Original story and good actors. Some very funny laugh out loud moments.

SUPER 8

I had heard bad things about this movie but I thought it was awesome. It reminded me of one of my favourite movies “THE MONSTER SQUAD”. About a bunch of kids who gather they’re courage and fight a monster and save the day. Super 8 had some great action and special effects scenes. A great young cast and a good story. I wasn’t bored for a second. Highly recommended.

THE HANGOVER II

To make a long story short –watch Hangover 1. Carbon copy story with a lot less laughs. I think I may have chuckled once or twice. Waste of my time.

CRAZY STUPID LOVE

This movie should have been called CRAZY STUPID GARBAGE. Steve Carrel’s wife leaves him and he finds himself in the dating game again.  Not a laugh the entire movie. Two hours I will never get back. I don’t know how I got through it. I was hoping my TV or brain would explode so I did not have to finish it. If it wasn’t for Ryan Gosling My wife would have pulled the plug as well. 

MY 3 YEAR OLD GETTING SCARED BY FAKE VIDEO GAME WITH SCREAMING GHOST