THOSE DAMN HONDA'S

Do you want to know what one of my biggest pet peeves is? Its people who drive low end cars with a hamster on a wheel under the hood – but put a special muffler on to make it sound like a muscle car. Who are you trying to fool; you only look like an idiot. Do you wear fake muscles under your t-shirt and stuff a salami in your shorts too? I am probably going to piss some people off with this next statement but here she goes. When I say low end cars I mean Honda’s. When I was young you had two choices

A-    save your money and buy a good cool car

B-    buy a Honda

I don’t know where this rumor started that Honda’s are good cars but that’s the scam of the century. I think it was started by the poor dupes who couldn’t afford a real car and are trying to fool everyone else. Just take a good look at them, nothing special- just plain, boring and unimaginative vehicles.

The next time there is a slow driver a head of you, someone cuts you off, or it sounds like the muffler has fallen off the car behind you- 9.5 times out of 10 its somebody driving a Honda.   I’m not saying all Honda drivers are idiots- there are a small percentage who are sane normal people who just bought into the “Honda’s last forever” or  “they have great resale value” illusion. (Sorry Dan)

Any car will last forever if you take care of it. Honda owners have to take care of their cars- you take a corner to fast and you’re after market/homemade spoiler and side panels are going to fly right off. Let’s face it -only previous Honda owners are going to buy a used Honda. Once you’re stuck in that circle of delusion it’s hard to get out.  I’m not trying to say I own the fanciest cars on the block –but hey- they aren’t Honda”s.

MOVIE REVIEW – “THE BRIDESMAIDS”

I have heard this movie being hailed as the female “the hangover”. There is no Mike Tyson or a tiger in this movie but it was very very funny - in my opinion better than “the hangover”. A lot of the movies funniest moments come from the character  Megan, played by actress Melissa McCarthy  of “Mike and Molly”- one of the best TV comedies out there right now.  I have watched “say yes to the dress a few times – but the dress appointment in this movie is like no other- laugh out loud hilarious. The humor in this movie is rude, crude and disrespectful to just simple laughs. It’s not over the top unrealistic- all stuff that could happen to anybody. A very unexpected hit from a SNL cast movie. A must see for guys and gals.  

MY BODY HAS TAKEN A BEATING

Everybody has had their share of injuries. Here are mine.

I got an early start in the stitches department. At age 5- I was running away from my sister (who I was always an angel to by the way – I’m sure she will tell you differently) who was chasing me around the house. I zigged when I should have zagged into the kitchen and smashed my face on the corner of the stove- resulting in 5 stitches to my right cheek.

Again age 5- I was in a bad mood because I couldn’t have a football I wanted and I stormed out the front screen door- pushing it open with my left hand. What I didn’t know was that my dad was fixing the door and had taken off the part that allows the door to close slowly- just the spring was on. So when I pushed the door opened as hard as I could (because I was mad) it swung open and the spring swung the door back at me twice as hard. My arm was still stuck out when the door swung back- so my hand and entire arm smashed through the glass all the way to the shoulder. I remember it hurt but I was more scared that I was going to get in trouble for breaking the glass.  With my arm slashed and bleeding like a son ofa bitch I ran to hide behind the kitchen door. The next thing I hear is a scream from my mother who heard the crash and came to see what had happened – only to find the bloody disaster I had left behind. I guess she followed the blood trail to where I was hiding – saw my arm, ripped off her apron and wrapped it around my shredded arm to stop the bleeding. My mom and dad then rushed me to the hospital where I received 86 stitches. My arm looked like Frankenstein’s monster. Cool

Grade 3- I stepped on a rusty nail sticking out of a board. The nail went right through my foot and out the top of my runner. I had to get my friend Chris to stand on the board so I could pry my foot off.

Grade 3 again- I was playing soccer at school with a couple of friends. I was heading for the goal when my friend- in an attempt to kick the ball away from me kicked my leg instead- tripping me and sending me shoulder first into the goal post. I stand up in some pain and she say’s “sorry, whoa what’s that”.  I look at my shoulder and there’s a big bump (my bone) sticking up from my shoulder. I broke my collar bone, in a sling harness for months. Great summer that year.

Grade 6- I was running through the woods when I tripped on a rock and went head first into a tree. I stood up touched my head- felt something stuck there. I then pulled out a good 2 ½- 3 inch branch that had lodged in my scalp.

There is also the usual assortment of injuries.

-         broke both my big toes- 1 playing street hockey-1 falling up the stairs

-         cracked a rib playing tennis

-         broke my septum (inside nose bone) getting a soccer ball kicked square in my face by the gym teacher- knocked completely off my feet I was hit so hard

-         majorly sprained my ankle playing tennis

-         had a giant steel door slammed on my finger- resulting in my nail turning black and falling off

-         went down a swimming pool slide backwards smashed my face on the end pushing back my two front teeth back quite a bit (fixed by a dentist)

-         got my finger stuck in a tomato cube slicer- my finger had a tic-tac-toe pattern sliced deep into it

-         one of my friends (who was drunk) thought it would be funny to butt out his cigarette on my chest

Last year was the DRILL INCIDENT

I was putting up shelf for toys in my kid’s room. I was trying to- balance the shelf and wall bracket with a level-grab some screws-and hold a cordless drill between my knees.

During the process I opened my legs a little too far apart. The drill slipped from my knees and fell straight down- (drill bit-first) right into my foot. The drill bit went completely through my foot, hit the floor, and broke off leaving the drill bit inside my foot. I had to hobble to the bathroom trying not to bleed all over the carpet. Once I sat down I had manually unscrew the drill bit out of my foot with my fingers. Meanwhile my wife is in panic mode trying to find the phone to call 911. My kids are pushing past each other trying to look at my foot. After I calmed the wife down (no 911 call needed) I cleaned up my foot – put two Band-Aids on either side of my foot and finished putting up the shelf.

I aint no sissy. 

MOVIE REVIEWS OF THE WEEK

SANCTUM

This movie at the most was interesting. No interesting characters- no story ( group trying to find their way out of a cave ).  The main hero has a little bit of cold blooded killer in him. I think he jumps the gun on a couple of mercy kills. For a crew of professional cave explorers they sure seem inexperienced and careless-Even a little unstable. The movie had a couple of exciting scenes but still fell flat. I almost didn’t make it through, had my finger on the stop button on a couple of occasions but made it to the end. Just wanted to see who survived. If you want to kill some time go for it but I would not recommend it.

RITE

I haven’t got much to say about this movie besides the fact that I fell asleep twice trying to get through it. No scares whatsoever, boring story, uncared for characters. Not even a little bit interesting. Stay away from this one. This movie should have been given

“the last rites”.

127 HOURS

Heard a lot of good things about this movie but after I finished watching it I realized they were all lies. This movie was pretty slack. I heard rave reviews about James Franco’s acting, which were lies too. If this movie wasn’t true it would be as boring as shit.

RIO

Not bad for a kids movie, not bad for adults. It was watchable but not memorable.

YOGI BEAR

This movie was painful to sit through. Having watched and loved the old Yogi Bear cartoons from the 60’s this was a huge letdown. The kids seemed to find some laughs here and there but even they were bored and stirring in their seats for most of the show.

Don’t see it.

JUST GO WITH IT

Even though this movie was predictable within the first five minutes, it was still enjoyable. It wasn’t hilarious but very funny at times. Most laughs came from the character “Dolph Lungren”, the sheep seller.  Jennifer Aniston is not one of my favorite actresses and this performance didn’t change my mind. She was simply OK. All the other cast members carried her through it. Another good Adam Sandler pick-hard to go wrong with him.

HOCKEY PRANK ON WINNIPEG

Parminder Sahota – Congratulations on your scam. You must now know what its like when a hacker infects somebody’s computer with a virus. You yourself are nothing but a virus. Any amateur skank can pull off a prank like that. Good job very funny. HA HA HA.  Try something original brainiac.     

What I want to know is – why do people care what you say in the first place- unless your “A PLASTIC”   - or just a moron with nothing better to do. Is there a link to a 1-900 number in those tweets?

Here are some excerpts’ from her tweets.

7:00 – Just brushed my teeth with shampoo again, when will I learn

7:30 – Made toast in the microwave- when will they invent something better

8:00 – Made myself feel smart by tricking dumber people

8:01 – Feel dumb again- got all ready for school –it’s Saturday

  I guess any idiot who wants to screw with people can get a twitter account. I don’t even care about hockey; things like this just make me angry.

Must be slow news day.

PIC OF THE DAY- CAR CRASH ON OSBORNE

SATURDAY NIGHT PRANKS

I had a good  friend named Brad.  When I decided to start pranking Brad my buddies Dale and Hugh were right in there. Our first prank involved the movie Ishtar- one of the worst movies ever made. The video store down the street was giving away giant cardboard displays for movies, so I went to check it out. I got some some great displays- giant 3 dimensional movie ads. I picked up a ``DIE HARD`` ( my favorite action flick ) PET SEMETARY  - very cool giant tombstone with the evil cat ``CHURCH`` on top with light up eyes. It was taller than me. A batman display, and an ``ISHTAR`` display.  The ISHTAR display was a two piece- A giant camel + cut outs of Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beaty.  It came with a rope that connected the two. It was supposed to look like the two were pulling the camel back. I took it because I had a plan for its use.  One night at 2:oo am Dale, Hugh and myself erected the display on Brads parents front yard and posed for some pictures. This was the start of the Saturday tradition. A week or so later the 3 of us scoured the neighborhood collecting house for sale signs. We even got two of the large wooden post ones. At 2:00 am we put Brad`s house up for sale by about 15 different realtor's. More pics.  Another week went by and we collected election signs for all over the city. By Sunday morning Brad was voting for every politician in the city.
We took a small break to let the heat die down and to collect our next project. 2 weeks later we had enough furniture saved up for a nice living room set- which was promptly delivered at 2:00 am to Brads front lawn. His set came with a couch, end table, lamp, TV + stand. We even got an extension cord and plugged the TV and lamp in. Then posed for pictures. That was my favorite.
I always wanted to have a fake garage sale at his house but never got around to it. That would have been awesome. We hit him again a few years later with some posts and rope ( like in a bank line up) which we borrowed from the convention center. That was the last prank.  Brad never found out it was us, he asked me once but I denied it and he believed me.  I will post the pics as I find them. Good times.