MY BODY HAS TAKEN A BEATING

Everybody has had their share of injuries. Here are mine.

I got an early start in the stitches department. At age 5- I was running away from my sister (who I was always an angel to by the way – I’m sure she will tell you differently) who was chasing me around the house. I zigged when I should have zagged into the kitchen and smashed my face on the corner of the stove- resulting in 5 stitches to my right cheek.

Again age 5- I was in a bad mood because I couldn’t have a football I wanted and I stormed out the front screen door- pushing it open with my left hand. What I didn’t know was that my dad was fixing the door and had taken off the part that allows the door to close slowly- just the spring was on. So when I pushed the door opened as hard as I could (because I was mad) it swung open and the spring swung the door back at me twice as hard. My arm was still stuck out when the door swung back- so my hand and entire arm smashed through the glass all the way to the shoulder. I remember it hurt but I was more scared that I was going to get in trouble for breaking the glass.  With my arm slashed and bleeding like a son ofa bitch I ran to hide behind the kitchen door. The next thing I hear is a scream from my mother who heard the crash and came to see what had happened – only to find the bloody disaster I had left behind. I guess she followed the blood trail to where I was hiding – saw my arm, ripped off her apron and wrapped it around my shredded arm to stop the bleeding. My mom and dad then rushed me to the hospital where I received 86 stitches. My arm looked like Frankenstein’s monster. Cool

Grade 3- I stepped on a rusty nail sticking out of a board. The nail went right through my foot and out the top of my runner. I had to get my friend Chris to stand on the board so I could pry my foot off.

Grade 3 again- I was playing soccer at school with a couple of friends. I was heading for the goal when my friend- in an attempt to kick the ball away from me kicked my leg instead- tripping me and sending me shoulder first into the goal post. I stand up in some pain and she say’s “sorry, whoa what’s that”.  I look at my shoulder and there’s a big bump (my bone) sticking up from my shoulder. I broke my collar bone, in a sling harness for months. Great summer that year.

Grade 6- I was running through the woods when I tripped on a rock and went head first into a tree. I stood up touched my head- felt something stuck there. I then pulled out a good 2 ½- 3 inch branch that had lodged in my scalp.

There is also the usual assortment of injuries.

-         broke both my big toes- 1 playing street hockey-1 falling up the stairs

-         cracked a rib playing tennis

-         broke my septum (inside nose bone) getting a soccer ball kicked square in my face by the gym teacher- knocked completely off my feet I was hit so hard

-         majorly sprained my ankle playing tennis

-         had a giant steel door slammed on my finger- resulting in my nail turning black and falling off

-         went down a swimming pool slide backwards smashed my face on the end pushing back my two front teeth back quite a bit (fixed by a dentist)

-         got my finger stuck in a tomato cube slicer- my finger had a tic-tac-toe pattern sliced deep into it

-         one of my friends (who was drunk) thought it would be funny to butt out his cigarette on my chest

Last year was the DRILL INCIDENT

I was putting up shelf for toys in my kid’s room. I was trying to- balance the shelf and wall bracket with a level-grab some screws-and hold a cordless drill between my knees.

During the process I opened my legs a little too far apart. The drill slipped from my knees and fell straight down- (drill bit-first) right into my foot. The drill bit went completely through my foot, hit the floor, and broke off leaving the drill bit inside my foot. I had to hobble to the bathroom trying not to bleed all over the carpet. Once I sat down I had manually unscrew the drill bit out of my foot with my fingers. Meanwhile my wife is in panic mode trying to find the phone to call 911. My kids are pushing past each other trying to look at my foot. After I calmed the wife down (no 911 call needed) I cleaned up my foot – put two Band-Aids on either side of my foot and finished putting up the shelf.

I aint no sissy.